Ask, Don’t Assume

Introduction

Ask, Don’t Assume is a principle that emphasizes the importance of asking open-ended questions to gain true understanding, rather than making assumptions about others' thoughts or behaviors. Too often, we assume we know why people act the way they do or think we understand their motives. However, these assumptions can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and even conflict. By asking thoughtful, open-ended questions, we open the door to genuine dialogue and deeper connections.

In this article, we’ll explore why it’s essential to ask questions before jumping to conclusions, and how to do so in a way that encourages meaningful insights for everyone involved.

Prerequisites

You'll resonate with this principle if you've had any of the following experiences:

• Assumed someone’s intentions and ended up misunderstanding them.
• Realized later that an open conversation could have clarified the situation earlier.

Why Asking Questions Matters

Jumping to conclusions is easy, but it’s often inaccurate. When we assume we know why someone did or said something, we are interpreting the situation through our (limited) perspective, which may lack important context or information.

After practicing asking questions with people from all walks of life around the world, we quickly realise that people can think very differently than us, and that's what makes life interesting.

Understanding, Not Judgment

Asking questions shifts the focus from judgment to understanding. When we assume, we often unfairly project our own biases or insecurities onto others. By asking questions, we give people the chance to share their perspective, fostering empathy and reducing the likelihood of conflict.

This approach also signals that others are being heard, encouraging vulnerability and fostering open conversations that can lead to shared learning and mutual understanding.

“Instead of immediately assuming that my colleague intentionally backstabbed me, I’ll ask them what situation led them to not support my idea during the meeting.”

Opening Our Perspective

When emotions are high, we often jump to conclusions based on how we interpret the limited information that’s shared. We may disagree on facts or on how someone should have behaved, but these are their perspectives, their truth. Challenging them directly will only escalate the situation.

By asking open-ended questions, we create space for exploration and discussion, allowing everyone to evaluate the situation more thoroughly and gain insight into each other’s perspectives.

“Instead of attacking them when something they said didn’t sit right with me, I’ll ask more questions to understand why they might have thought that way. Through thoughtful questioning, they might realize their perspective was incomplete, or I might learn something new.”

How to Apply “Ask, Don’t Assume”

Here are some practical strategies to apply this principle:

1. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Instead of asking “yes” or “no” questions or jumping straight to “why,” ask open-ended questions that encourage discussion. Asking why questions have the chance to make the other person hostile, as they may not have thought too deeply about their motivations yet (they may also be in avoidance) and will feel uncomfortable giving a response.

Instead, ask what or how questions to explore the person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions about the situation.

“What made you decide to approach the situation that way?”

2. Clarify Instead of Assuming

When we feel tempted to jump to conclusions, we should take a moment to clarify by asking for more details. Clarifying questions can prevent misunderstandings and give others a chance to share information we may have missed.

“I noticed you were quiet during the meeting. Is everything alright?”

3. Practice Active Listening

Once you ask a question, listen actively. This means giving your full attention, asking follow-up questions, and withholding judgment. Active listening encourages deeper conversations and helps build mutual respect.

“I see. So you were feeling overwhelmed at the time, and that’s why you didn’t respond. How do you feel about it now?”

Related Programs

This principle is especially important in Perspective 8: Curiosity, where we realise that people will operate in ways that intrude on our boundaries even when we draw the line, so we should try to understand them.

References and Further Reading

1. The Power of Asking Questions(opens in a new tab) – A look into how asking better questions improves communication and understanding.
2. Active Listening: The Key to Better Communication(opens in a new tab) – Discover how active listening fosters better connections and reduces misunderstandings.