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Last edit: @ on April 17, 2024


Empathy is commonly understood as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. However, it's impossible to actually truly feel what someone else is feeling, as we all have different ways of understanding the world. So, true empathy extends beyond mere understanding; it involves an effort to connect with and validate someone else's emotional experience.


  • Basic understanding of emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
  • Familiarity with The Better Life Framework, especially the concept of having 9 different perspectives we navigate.

What You Feel Isn't What I Feel

Empathy is often misconceived as a complete and accurate understanding of another's feelings. However, it's more about the intent to understand and the effort to connect with another's emotional state. Reflect on a time when you felt deeply understood by someone. What made their empathy apparent? Was it their exact understanding or their effort and presence in listening to you?

Our Perceptions Shape Our Interpretations

We all interpret things differently. Even the colors we see can differ from person to person, so our emotions, especially the most intimate, are of course also subject to our own interpretations.

Let's use the example of feeling the emotion of disappointment when our expectations are unmet. If we're thinking in a 'Systems' perspective, we might associate this emotion with a frustration of our systems not being robust enough, and have a strong desire to build a better workflow to get the results that we want. However, if we are in a 'Winning' perspective, we might instead associate it with a frustration of the people around us, and how we need to be more transactional to get the life that we want.

Thus, when we encounter others and their feelings, its often from our own perspective that we evaluate how they feel. "Oh, they feel this way because this happened." Our best reference point is ourselves, so we tend to easily jump to the conclusion that what they are going through must be what we went through, and empathize with them that way.

The Risks of Self-Centered Empathy

Empathizing from our perspective can lead to several pitfalls:

  1. Misguided Assumptions: Assuming we know what the other person feels, leading to potentially inappropriate responses.
  2. Inaccurate Advice: Offering solutions based on our experiences, which may not align with their needs.
  3. Expecting Reciprocity: Believing they understand our feelings because we've superimposed our experiences onto theirs.

True Empathy in Practice

When practicing true empathy, focus on the emotion being expressed, rather than the context or your reaction to it. This approach helps in creating a non-judgmental space where the other person feels genuinely heard and understood. It's not about knowing how they feel because you've been there before. It's about helping them feel accepted for having that feeling.

A great approach that is used in therapy is just to listen. A therapist has no experience with every single problem that their clients go through, but yet they are still able to help their clients feel heard and empathized with. How come? It's because they use the following techniques for effective empathizing.

Techniques for Effective Empathizing

  • Active Listening: Fully engage in listening, providing an environment of understanding and non-judgment.
  • Reflective Responses: Communicate understanding through reflections that don't impose your interpretations.
  • Emotional Validation: Acknowledge and validate their emotions, recognizing their validity even if you don't fully comprehend them.
See all programs related to Empathy

Notable Mentions

Talk It Out is an AI companion that listens to you and helps you feel understood even though as an AI, it has not felt the feelings you've experienced before.


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Website last updated: March 4, 2024
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